we will stay strong for wai po.

very tired. im so glad for the ipoh trip although i couldnt fully enjoy myself throughout but looking at how the 55 lvl 4 seniors were able to self entertain wherever they went sort of cheered me up a lil bit. came back taking the very first bus on monday, and went to the hospital. she looked weak, unable to open her eyes fully to look at us. mummy and i massaged her legs and sang her songs while she fell asleep, but our eyes cant seem to move away from the heartbeat machine thing in case anything goes wrong. stayed till midnight, and went back home.

mummy looked terribly exhausted but she was still holding onto her phone very tightly in the car. i dont know why but looking at that made me feel like crying.

for this year’s mother’s day, my only wish is for wai po to recover.

shall rest for awhile, until my “night shift” at the hospital

xoxo.

 

回家。

back home in the room with a leaking ceilingT_T||| but im still glad that im home like finally:) surprisingly i didnt get very annoyed in the middle of the night when i realized the ceiling was leaking, i just took a pail from the toilet and put it underneath. the sound of the water dripping onto the plastic surface was kinda annoying and irritating, but i could still sleep soundly after rolling on the bed for awhile. i think because its home.

dad brought me to the new house he bought thats still under constructions. quite nice though although i really prefer the corner house compared to the centre ones but they were all taken and theyre like more expensive. but i really like the balcony because its so much wider compared to the one we have now. dont know if we’re gonna move in once its completed or if dad’s gonna sell it but looking at my mum i think she’ll wanna move in hahahha and it’ll be how awesome to have a party at the third floorO.O because it’s quite big, from how it looks on the outside.

and how i missed the curry kambing at kayu. ate nasi briyani for lunch with the curry and roti bomb and teh tarik:D sometimes i really hope kayu expands to spore because their indian food is like out-of-the-world-ly awesome:D:D:D went back to the subang pasar malam after so so long and even the tang shui uncle was asking my mum if im her daughter because ive not been there for so long. drank 蛋茶 :D:D:D:D why they no have dan cha in spore. its this kind of moment when i really wanna just come back to msia and work instead of settling down in spore but ohwells i guess i actually do prefer staying in spore because i have all my friends there although the food here is obviously so much more fantastic. but i can always come back i think so i’d rather earn sing dollars hahha.

and i wonder how im gonna do my course reg when the wireless is down and i have to use this lousy mobile broadband shit. i hope by upgrading it it will get alot alot faster so i can actually still watch shows on youtube and not get annoyed when it loads damn slowly although astro actually has alot of things to watch but who survives without youtube omg.

and im so fascinated by the fact that i can still fit into my primary school camp tshirt which means its either i was damn fat then which is impossible because i rmb being quite skinny hahha or i was blind and chose a damn big size for myself which i think this is more possible:P

i think its quite lame to blog about all these uninteresting mundane nonsense but the underlying thing that i wanna blog about is this feeling of heartwarming happiness and how much ive missed home. i think these 2 plus weeks will pass by really quick and the thought of it actually saddens me so im gonna not think about it and enjoy while i can.

还是家里最好。

xoxo,qing

 

unfixed.

its really lame.

its really lame that im feeling that im not doing things i like, but i really have no choice but to suck thumb and continue with it. its really lame that i stop confiding in people i used to confide in because im scared that they might think im such a loser and after so long i still cant seem to get over the fact that im doing things thats so different from what i expected myself to do. its like im trying to get things off my chest but its really hard, because its hall and the circle of trust is not really there you see. i dont know if its like because ive been acting like im bubbly and happy or whatsoever so people think im someone who doesnt really have problems or they simply just expect me to be strong. ohwells im not that strong actually.

there’re just little things thats been happening that are bothering me but i cant really find a reason why they are. and things are not going right not because of anyone’s fault or whatsoever but theyre just not going right. if only i have someone to blame for all the things i have to do and the tight schedule i have to follow but no. its because its no one’s fault so there’s this sian feeling. super super sian. im not expecting anyone to understand what exactly kind of feeling im feeling right now. i just wanna type it out and okay go to bed after this.

i guess i really only like sketching and drawing and painting. and doing photoshop and illustrator and all these little art and craft things. and i love cooking. i dont like social networking, i dont like to meet new people and i dont like to try so hard to explain the rationale of my decisions and in the end people misunderstand or misinterpret. i guess after so long whats keeping me on is the sense of responsibility and some rare friends who genuinely support me and care for me. i just dont understand why i keep falling into this pit of endless leadership stuff and it really feels like a jinx or something. or something like fate. or whatever.

and also its like no matter how hard ive tried to convince myself that being in film is like a new experience and i get to know how exactly everything works in the end i’ll just be a really knowledgeable and talented creative director in the advert field. but its so difficult to change your mindset in such a short period of time esp when now it concerns my future. ive been interesting in doing 2D stuff all along and ive always expected myself to do 2D things and now you throw me into motion and sounds. maybe im slow in adapting to new environment but i just want someone to understand that its not really easy to change from something youve always wanted to do and youve always expected yourself to do.

i dont need shots, i just need daddy and mummy here.

homesick seriously makes everything worse omg. why am i not like any other sporeans who get to go home every weekend.

qingning.

 

孤独不是选择，对他们而言。

他们有属于自己的世界。可能他们都知道的。知道自己会是父母的负担，会是社会的负担。

但他们都是属于这个世界的孩子不是吗。

自闭症又怎么样。

可是我们可以说得很伟大，很谅解，真正去关怀他们的，又有多少人。他们不像贫困国家的孩子，知道有人关心着他们，资助他们；他们的世界，阻挡了外面的世界，那道墙，不是玩几个游戏就能打破的。

在‘海洋天堂’里李连杰说，‘我是他父亲，拉上了，就只能照顾他。’

他也说，‘或许他们这样子反而更好，什么烦恼也没有。’

但我们怎么知道，他们没有烦恼。

 

没什么，只是很想念八年以来没有姐姐陪伴在身边，那自闭症的弟弟。

沁凝。

 

 

最疼你的，莫过于亲人。

＃巾幗梟雄之義海豪情

 

hello again.

came back to this blog after 248745709540 months and suddenly thought of writing something. what has been taking over blogging is writing, yea, the old school traditional journal/diary writing. feels much solid penning down thought on real, solid pieces of paper though. blogging is abit, too open for me hahaha. thats why i dont (often) blog about emo stuff because, hmmm hahahah, i will feel exposed, and vulnerable.

anws, halls been fun. and i enjoy bitching and stirring shit hahahahaha ooops>.< quite busy though, because ive taken up the position of blk 54 manager (erms another saikang warrior la basically, managing the block and organizing events lo whats new) and adm? alot of assignments. but i am glad that i dont have to go through the papers kind of exam anymore (okay maybe one or two papers each sem phew thank god) but deadlines are sometimes abit suffocating huh. but apparently im more like a hall person than adm person, maybe because i didnt go for adm foc so i dont really know alot of people there, except for my tutorial group g6 and a few here and there. so leeqingning is not the enthu kia in school anymore. but hall erms. sigh.

joining alot of stuff in hall, just because ive paid the 90 bucks jcrc fund and felt that its more hua to join all other stuff also hahahaha. sometimes the ah ma money minded way of thinking really kills huh. im now stuck in spore during the hols and could only go back for freaking 2 weeks after 3 months in hall and when im supposed to have >1 month worth of holidays. dont ask me why is it like that. for the first time i spent my christmas without my family and will be counting down to 2011 without my family too:’( why is my homesick getting more severe as i grow older hahahah.

but uni hall feels very different compared to hostels and boarding schools. too bad hwa chong is still the best. thats why my st nicks years are my best years to date hahahah. not say uni is not good, but sometimes i feel that its very hard to cope. with people and other stuff. people were more sincere and innocent back in secondary school i guess, but okay la not like im struggling to survive in hall la. not too bad not too bad. but i still miss how dong and limminhuay and daphne and zhenqin and shuming and ivy and joanne and charlyne and sally and other people were always around and you wont have the time to feel lonely and emo ahahahaa. and how we used to bitch about the evil people who flooded our pantry fridge with alot of disgusting raw food eg crab, beef and whatnot. oh and pasted post-its on the fridge door to remind people to cap their milk cartons tightly so that the milk wouldnt flow out and make the whole fridge effing disgusting.

whoa, time flies. now this bunch of msian scholars are all separated and living their own lives. daphne and ivy and i are in ntu, zhenqing shuming and dong in nus, joanne went back to msia, limminhuay went back too, and some went overseas as in other than spore msia, blah bah blah.

yawns. time to sleep. going penang with squadmates later at night. gotta sleep until productions practice and hmm, have to do laundry and pack my bag.

2010, is ending soon. what have i been doing haha.

xoxo,qingning

 

I HAVE TO RANT.

omg im in a fight with my dad. again. we’ve been quarreling  alot these days i think cuz he was still angry over the fact that i forgot to sms him for 3 days when i was in guangzhou. okay it was my fault because i was too excited(and tired) during the last few days of our trip.

seriously, i was thinking the whole night and finally i came up with the conclusion: i’ve not reached the age of thinking about my family everywhere i go and at anytime.

okay this might seem like erm, a self-protective excuse shit cuz i want to get myself out of this trouble and try to put the blame on my dad for being too paranoid, but im talking in most teenagers’ point of view.

as in, alot of my friends, including me, often get scolded by their parents for reaching home late, not telling them where they’ve gone to/are going blah blah blah. i can totally understand if my mum reports to my dad everyday about where she’s gone to and what she’s been doing(okay even she doesnt do that), cuz SHE’S MY DAD’S WIFE AND SHE HAS A FAMILY TO TAKE CARE OF. AS IN FOR HER, THIS FAMILY IS EVERYTHING. but for me, okay family takes up a big portion but definitely not 100%. i have friends’ birthdays to remember, homework to catch up on, and teachers to suck up to so that they can write my testimonials. not that i’m so shitty until i dont even remember i have my parents and my bro and my grandma, but you know, somehow, when we play/’re with our friends, we tend to focus more on having fun at that very moment.

i think i will eventually understand my dad’s expectations of me one day, but thats when i finally get married and have my own kids.

which is not. very. soon.

so we’ll keep fighting until the very day i’m sent to the hospital to give birth to my first child. then i’ll be enlightened.

really lah dad, i know you care for me. but do it the gentler way can. you scream at me, then i will scream back at you, thats human instinct.

SO JUST LOOSEN UP ABIT OKAY?

sorry but i always get very frustrated when it comes to parents matters. it like how parents feel when they get calls from the school telling them that their kids got caught in a fight with other schoolmates.

and the worst thing about my father is that he doesnt even listen to his ‘opponent’ when he’s in a quarrel. he thinks in his own way and misinterprets all the things that you say and he’ll fight back using very out-of-point  points, then leaves you thinking, wtf is he even listening to me? then he will feel very accomplished when i say fine i dont want to talk anymore, when its because what he’s talking doesnt make any sense. thus making the whole fight pointless and useless cuz in the end we’ll still think that we’re right.

maybe thats why my mum never bothered to start a fight with him. ahh looks like i still have lots to learn.

what is wrong with my life? i need to get back on track by going back to school, which is real soon! yay:)

oh shit i still need to get money from my dad wtf.

okay part time job(s), here i come.

xoxo,QING.

p/s my dad doesnt equal to all dads on earth so dont go and fight with your dads after reading this altho i know my friends are all sensible young adults:) but just, in case. my dad is awesome when we’re not fighting tho whoahahahaha.

 

HANGZHOU/SUZHOU/WUXI/SHANGHAI TRIP

used to think that camwhoring in the plane is a very obasang thing to do but, do you actually care that much when you’re totally in a travelling mood?

OMG 柳树！hahah chinese lit no way.

lee sheng guang look into the cam for once can???

gone to 品茶. and the place was damn cool. like the places they use to film the old chinese dramas.

FOOD! this wasnt the whole SET okay. they brought in more FOOD even after we finished eating those on the table.

i prayed to meet changmin oppa one day hahahahahaha:)

i want to marry changmin oppa in this!

东坡肉！fat fat fat but yum yum yum!

i have alot of selcas with mum that are in this same position. somehow.

some statue of some very famous studious 学者. forgot his name. oops.

something i really loved to do in china: walk walk walk– ah looks nice!– eat— continue walking

i want to have a collection of my jumpshots from all over the world!!!

salesgirl: (in cheena way)wahlao no money to buy still want to take photo and act -smirks-

that guard guard too skinny to fit into that metal costume can. and he looked like he wanted to faint under the hot sun already hahahaha.

old dayung sampan uncle can sing super well! my idol:)))

wahlao im not that heavy right.

i love old chinese buildings hence this last pic here.

THE END.

xoxo,QING!

 

我讨厌的人。

我讨厌那种答应了人最后却故意找借口反悔的人。

也讨厌那种开始为了避免被麻烦而敷衍了事，随便答应别人，后来尽量可以拖就拖，最后尽量赖掉的人。

更讨厌那种当别人指责她赖账的时候，还死厚脸皮说是别人的错的人。

特别讨厌那种当自己最后才知道误会了什么事的时候，明明之前自己都没有问过人家，还要恼羞成怒责备人家没早点跟她说的人。

发生过很多次了，没有一次你们的承诺可以兑现。

我都不知道以后要拿什么去信任你们。

今天没有xoxo, 沁凝。

 

lalala~

i think the aircon technician hates me.

he’s a freaking weirdo. i came out of my room this morning(two techs came to fix the air con in my parents’ room before im awake) finding one playing my brother’s psp while the other one was fixing the air con.

like what the hell he was playing my BROTHER’S PSP??? WHEN HE’S SUPPOSED TO FIX THE DAMNED AIR CON???

so i wanted to go forward to ask him what the bloody hell he was doing but realised i was still in my pyjamas. after getting changed i came out of my room again, this time finding my grandma standing in front of the man (the man was sitting down lying against the wall, still playing the psp), and she was trying to tell him [it's very hot up here, why dont you go downstairs and wait until your partner's done?] (in malay)

so that man stood up and my grandma just snatched the psp back from him, and came to my room to tell me what happened when i’ve already seen the whole thing.

and before the technician went down, i totally gave him the cant-you-just-get-your-own-psp-if-you-like-it-so-much-and-stop-playing-your-clients’-when-they-pay-you-to-get-their-aircon-fixed-not-to-get-their-records-broken face with my eyes rolled so high until they nearly got stuck with my eyelids.

so i think the technician hates me. and i dont want to go down right now because his partner’s not done yet and he’ll still be sitting somewhere in the living room waiting.

i really need to start preparing myself for work, next week, yes, next week. promise. no more procrastinating.

xoxo,

qingning