是不是我错了。

是不是我早应该执着。是不是我一直以来很害怕发生的事终于发生了。

我很害怕其实是我。如果我能多劝你一点，如果我能够早一点跟你多说话，如果我没有以为你是可以明白我的所以没有特别在乎你的想法，如果我能够及时做些什么来补救。

如果我能早点相信自己所观察到的，也许我就不会在这里敲打着键盘诉说我的遗憾。

我突然发觉其实我们之间的友谊很薄弱。薄弱得可以因为一个工作地位的差异而渐渐疏远。可能想听你说几句你都厌烦；你也许不再相信我所说的纯粹是出自好朋友的关心；也许现在你都要用有色眼镜评论我做的每一个动作背后的动机。

很难吗？我想问。放下固执试着谅解，不要再对以前的过节斤斤计较了，很难吗？

让我很难过的不是因为你的误解，误解我们四个活在自己的世界里面；让我难过的是你竟然一直认为我们在做的只是为了面子的问题而不是纯粹地因为你是一个因为一时联络不上而想要帮些什么忙的朋友！

让我更难过的，是我们之间连尊重都谈不上了。

我早就料到的。从你处理感情方面的方式来看，我知道你的脾性。

但我选择相信了。我选择相信你在工作上是负责任明白事理的伙伴。但也许就是因为如此，我错了。

我忽略了你的看法。我忽略了跟你谈话的必要，我自私且自以为是地选择相信你会理解我的，会理解我们的。

但结果误解最深的，竟然是你。

是不是一年来因为这份友谊而受到的感动，其实什么都不值。是不是因为这样我们很难再像从前那样。

如果是这样的话，是不是这些回忆都变成假的了。是不是每当我回想起我们这几个爱玩爱吃的家伙第一年的时候，我都会忍不住想要哭，而不是打从内心的笑了。

在我很想家的时候，你说过的，在这里，你们是我的家人。

所以，是不是说，我连家人都失去了。一个一个的。

 

alcohol rocked again:D

its been a long long time since i last clubbed when im wasnt stressed. i think after the few times last sem that i killed myself with alot of graveyards and bombs and practically lying across the road puking like there was no tomorrow, i realized that the way i take alcohol when im stressed and when im not is very different.

last night was just, pure fun:D something to be happy about after a long long time. lost my itouch (but found it back), parents not coming cuz popo fainted in the bathroom so mummy was like they shouldnt leave her alone at home for the time being, and yea having friends who are gradually drifting apart and theres nothing to do about it because it takes two hands to clap, blahs. but last night i think i felt the happiest when weile was telling me that he thinks ive been doing very good as a vice president, as his suc-successor, and he’s very proud of me. i wanted to cry but my eyes were too dry and my eyeliner isnt waterproof.

sprained my ankle before going into zouk (damn it), but the loud music and the acting alcohol in my body sort of took the pain away for awhile until it reached 4am and we went out and the pain came back. sat down in the middle of the road and pulled my ankle back cuz i didnt wanna wake up to a swollen ankle, but i overdid it. this morning i woke up feeling the pain and, i wont be able to wear my green heels for cultural concert later.

puked abit because of the pontian wanton mee and the food from appreciation dinner, but luckily i didnt hurt my throat too bad cuz i still have to sing for cultural concert. woke up to attend the meeting with the university and contractors, and yea, its not the first time i attend meeting with a hangover so it doesnt really matter.

but i felt really happy. that im able to club like this again. last sem was like too disastrous. was under immense stress of being a new appointed vp and didnt know what to expect. but i guess things got better and yay alcohol rocks again!

life sometimes sucks but you cant deny that you love it most of the time because of some wonderful people and food and alcohol.

xoxo,qing!

 

是不是太快了。

上大学后常常会有这种莫名感伤的时候。可能是因为长大了吧，所以慢慢的会开始面对离别，面对很多人一个一个的离去。

还在跟香聊着我们在这个宿舍待了好像有一段很长很长的时间，认识这里的人也好像认识了很长很长的一段时间。可是在入睡之前，才发现在这里的好朋友们，从完全的不认识，到认识，到变熟，到亲近，到无话不谈，到渐渐变淡，到不再经常碰面，到在网上想闲聊几句都会觉得奇怪… 其实只有那短短的，两年不到。

认为我们交朋友的进度是很快。快得我们厌倦彼此也很快吧。

因为我们各自有各自的生活，各自的圈子，而且因为我们这几个曾经的好朋友因为认识的时间太短而没有打好友情的基础的关系，所以在我们各自的内心深处，我们可能对彼此都不重要。

因为我们如果可以在那么短的时间内变得那么亲密，失去联络后，我们也能在那么短的时间内找到类似的友谊。

所以霎时间我们都成了彼此的过客。

如今我们陌生得只有在借锅子得时候才碰到短短得那一面，有时连碰面都不能就只好把锅子放在门口让人家去拿；单据要涂那么长时间才交到人家手里，因为我们不再经常有事没事一起吃饭一起在彼此的房间哈拉；传简讯的时候只剩下公事再也没有无聊但可爱的玩闹。

我承认，我对这份友谊，参杂了失望，却无能为力。

是不是到头来我其实还是一个人？会不会如果香的男朋友真的被派到这宿舍的时候，我会更必须接受我从头到尾一直就是一个人？是不是我就必须接受当我们长大了我们的世界变得更复杂更虚伪更难以单纯？是不是我一直以来尽量告诉自己的想太多其实都是真的不是因为我过度敏感了？

我很珍惜的，这份我认为在大学里很难得的友谊，我很珍惜的。我会希望对他们而言，我也一样的那么难得，是一个那么值得拥有一辈子的朋友。因为对我来说，他们曾经是那么的重要，到现在，还是那么重要。

因为他们在我很忙很需要安慰的时候，会关心地跑来我房间陪我吃泡面；因为他们在我喝醉酒的时候不会占我便宜；因为他们会在我生病的时候托人买晚餐好让我能够吃药，虽然他们大可以不管我地回家；因为他们会不相信我没有胃口吃饭而硬把事物端到我面前逼我吃，我才不会半夜饿着肚子吃宵夜然后变胖；因为他们会告诉我是时候运动了所以每个礼拜四要一起打羽毛球；因为当我没有相机的时候不管有多贵他们都会不假思索地接给我；因为当我进不了我想要的科系而难过的时候会莫名其妙地带我去捐血然后自己晕倒害得我忘却了原本的烦恼；因为他们当我情人节想到不会收到花的时候会突然出现在我门前给我一朵玫瑰；因为他们会知道我想要的生日礼物不只是酒杯而是我的朋友会真心诚意的记得…

我害怕明年的时候，当我想要想起我跟他们的回忆的时候，只是会记得以上我所写的而不再有新的回忆。

慢慢的我会不会不再相信接下来走进我人生的每一个人；会不会更加恐惧他们也会像现在我所经历的一样，再离开一次；会不会不再想要尝试经营新的友谊或感情。

人会来，人会走。我想就算神也改变不了这个大自然的原理。

就算我现在有香在身边一起上学一起煮饭一起做很多的事，会不会也许到了明年一切都会改变。对于改变我从来都不会想要怪任何人，因为如果我有男朋友在同一个学校范围里，我也会想要有更多见面的时间，更何况两年来见面的时间已经那么少了。我想到那个时候我会开始寻找会我一直以来因为太忙而无法享受的兴趣，偶尔画画，弄弄指甲，或是小小的复古卡片，或是在宿舍帮忙一些有的没的。不再是副理事长的时候，会空出很多时间吧。

只是，这两年的时间过得太快乐，太充实了，所以可能会一时间适应不过来没有他们的宿舍生活。

我毕竟是个很注重感情的女生啊。

多么怀念以往那么没有负担而不必想太多的年龄啊。每当这种时候，最想要回家。

 

 

沁凝。

 

 

 

while removing fake eyelashes.

i love these htht with xiang when the lights are off and we’re both on our beds and just moments before we fall asleep.

 

 

 

it’s just sad when some words are not meant to be taken seriously.

some words you thought meant promises, some words you thought they who said it would remember.

you’ve had similar experiences, but you thought it’s different when it comes to a different person.

but you’re afraid that it ends up to be the same.

because we’re not the centre of each other’s life, and no matter how close we might appear to be there’re things we hide from each other.

you’re afraid that you’ve been too naive to think that you’re at least of some importance, but actually you’re not of any.

you’re afraid that you put too much trust in this friendship and one day when you realize it doesn’t last you get so disappointed.

it’s the feeling of feeling belonged to a group of people, and then the people inside this circle disappear one by one and before you can even react to it you realize you’re all alone.

these people leave leaving behind promises, beautiful memories, and many more things we could have done together.

these promises and memories and could-bes stay with you in the little circle that used to be so compact and cosy but now you feel that the empty space is just too big to be filled again.

i hope im just thinking too much. as usual.

xoxo,QINGGGGG>.<

 

人与人。

人与人之间的感情很奇妙吧。

有时候，很多事情真的没有办法一个字一个字一笔一笔的写出来画出来。就只能够靠一些连科学都没有办法解释的默契，来表达内心想要说的话。

也没说认识很久，但总觉得有些事情你应该可以明白。

还是没有相处好一段时间，就可以沦落成陌生人的关系，好像之前的认识，很浅很浅。

可是怎么和有些朋友，相隔很久没有见面，难得见一次面，都还可以谈笑自如，好像之间从来都没有分开过一样。

是不是对这份友谊的要求太高了。为什么你的不懂可以让我很失望。

当然，我们都有错。只是错在彼此对彼此有所要求，而彼此对彼此的要求却一无所知。到要摊开一切认真地检讨事情为什么会发展成如此境界的时候，才来追究谁谁谁太迟了。

这追究，才太迟了。而不是谁。

说吧。说出来了以后，变好变坏，那就是反映我们对待友情的态度。要记得，人与人之间的联系，跟一个巴掌拍不响，没有很大的不同。

我很确定我会好好听你，只是你，愿不愿意听我而已。

沁。

 

5th day of being a 20 yr old.

i’ve watched 那些年 我们一起追的女孩 with sieuping tam and zhiren! hahaha its damn funny and i can totally understand this is a 九把刀’s film because those additional dialogues are so him! and really made the correct choice of wanting to catch it in the cinema because you must really laugh with everyone in the cinema to feel the whole atmosphere and esp for this kind of film.

even though ive read the book for like 7 times and i know it inside out already, i still feel sad that 沈佳宜 and 柯腾 almost have gotten tgt but 错过 and everything i just feel that its damn wasted. im sure 九把刀 himself felt very wasted too because 沈佳宜 really liked him at that time and seriously why did he reject to listen to her answer fkkkkkkkkkkkk. oh well

人生当中难免会有一些一辈子都觉得遗憾的事，因为我们很确定那个不同决定会让我们现在的生活不一样，只是怎么不一样，我们永远都不会知道。

ah, feel like writing 小说 again but exams coming so i dont really have time to write 长篇大论 and be very engrossed in writing until i forget about my assignments. NO!!!

but i really do miss those times in secondary school when tanweiting and i just keep writing things that we like and exchanged those stories with each other and kept all of them in a clear file.

and during the movie esp the part when 柯腾 kept calling 沈佳宜 every night to talk on the phone it sort of reminds me those times when we can just talk on the phone for hours non stop and wont feel tired at all. omg where did all the convo topics come from. i guess all these sort of makes up my 青春, like even next time i talk on the phone for hrs with another guy i dont think it will feel the same ever again. ohwells 那已经是过去了 and hahah maybe like what xiang said i should watch the movie with him hahahah omg damn awkward.

ohwell hahahha more and more issues happening in my life in hall as well as school so gahhhh no time for nonsense.

but catching an awesome movie once in a while, makes me really happy and forget about all the unhappy things recently.

)) qing!

 

some normal, not quote-ish blog post.

im really happy.

i know stress’s gonna build up and im gonna miss home more and more and i will cry more often. but i wont be afraid that i will cry alone, because you’re here.

thats why i thank you. thank you for everything. thank you for things that happened this way, and thank you for not thinking that im ugly when im drunk (maybe you do hmmmm -______-) and for not feeling embarrassed around me when im most unglam. i know sometimes im very unreasonable like how i hit you when you were just trying to lend me your shoulder to cry on, and i suck because i keep asking you to go away and disappear from my life although i know its impossible. its either i have a very readable face, or you really can read my mind. and im glad ive found you who have the most similar mindset to mine regarding certain issues, and because of all these even sometimes we quarrel and get very pekchek with each other, either im too dumb to get your point or you’re just plain zek ark, but we still have to talk to each other at the end of the day because its either we have impt things to tell each other, or erms, we just start talking again.

dont have to worry you’ll spoil my market hahahah because ive always believed in 缘分. so when the tall dark and handsome come hahaha dont be angry when i ask you to fk off. but you know i still love you right hahhahahahah.

end of confession XD

rahhhhhh now i see hongwei everyday hahahah because ive been editing and editing and some footages are quite sucky grrr have to cut cut cut. and i still have to do ADR rahhhhh. and exam welfare. and exam supper. you think im gonna die? i think so too.

and i realized i get very intimidated when the seniors get tgt as a group, i think particularly the previous k batch. its definitely not their fault because they’re like tight as a k batch, but its just, hmmm, even i do feel comfortable around them like individually, but when they get tgt i just feel out. like out of the place. i dont know if its the same for sieuping, but when we were at peiyu’s bday party last night other than the occasional ‘felix/weile/vijay asked me to go over for some questions’ then after that there was just this awkward moment and i just thought i should just siam and go back to the girls. i think maybe its my problem bah. then the freshies are also so tight so it seems like our batch is stuck in between and erms, loose. like not here nor there. i know there’re alot of things that can be done like vijay kept saying we should put in more effort into talking to the freshies but ohwell, it takes alot of time and effort, and i still choose to let things develop naturally because ultimately you cant be close to everyone else.

have been going out quite often nowadays also, but not as much as last yr. either my liver/kidney cannot take it anymore, or im just tired already after 2 yrs of intensive clubbing. even atiqah and chanel seem to tone down alot this yr, and i think only people like eunice jiawen amanda are still so energetic and hapz as ever, but its tiring to club with them because they dont ever get tired, and they only spam bombs and shots -___________- but free drinks from army boys/old desperate men ftw ahahahhahah

alright guess its one of my longest post after so long heeehee busy coping with something else. rise in china is boring yet interesting i also dont know if i like it or not but yea for exam just smoke through since ive s/u-ed it. whoahahahahahahaa.

go home go home go home!

xoxo,qing

 

 

 

beautiful things dont last. beautiful times hurt the most.

i was once told i have a family here in singapore. a family in hall 11. and i took it really seriously. everything looked so wonderful and beautiful. it looked like it would last forever.

even at times when i didnt feel like coming back to spore after a break at home, i received smses telling me to rmb to come back, that everything will be fine, hall will be my another home. things went better with them. alot better.

i didnt think that everything will just gradually fade into nothingness, like whats happening now. its really heartbreaking, that people whom you thought used to know you the best suddenly dont really know you anymore. things that you did you thought they would understand, but they dont. the fact that you’re not really capable of being very complicated, but they thought you’ve changed. we dont talk like how we talked last time anymore, cuz no one really bothers to initiate conversations. you’re afraid that you dont really know what they’re thinking anymore. when you wanna know more about whats going on with their life they somehow are very busy with their lives so you’d rather be busy with yours. we all go different paths. the reason why you find staying in hall meaningful seems like it doesnt exist anymore. promises were made to be broken. disappointments. all the things that are happening now are making you feel very bad about yourself. you think you’re fking loser and immature and dependent. when you need this second family of yours the most they suddenly disappeared. you hate yourself for taking their promises too seriously.

you’re upset. really upset.

the only place you can turn to now becomes a plain wall that only reflects the echo of your own voice.

your cry gets louder.

your pain gets deeper.

just that, no one understands.

i guess it just means that its time to grow up and get used to being alone.

beautiful things dont last, no matter how hard you try.

qing.

 

:’(

there’s no change in your life.

you just disappeared.

i guess as we grow older, friendships and forever dont coexist anymore.

 

disappointment and expectations.

ive always had high hopes in my friends. esp very very close friends. i dont wanna keep helping them to find excuses when theyre not doing their work right, and it hurts when you start finding out that people around you are very doubtful of the one person whom youve expected so much from.

as i keep growing as a person as well as a leader, ive come to realize there’re alot of things that are actually out of my control and sometimes they just cannot put back into their original places anymore. i have to deal with alot of uncertainties, and especially the insecurities i always get from whatever i do. but im glad that im not exactly alone, and there’re people who’re constantly guiding me and leading me to seeing alot of little little details that ive not been noticing and ive been more daring in speaking up for what i think is valid and solid.

whats been done has been done and all that we can do now is to guide him back to our direction and expectations, and support him in whatever ways we can without being over protective. after all, thats what a real leader does. deal with the current problem and fix it, not rant and bitch and do nothing about it.

i hope i will become the person whom i will like.