没人懂你的，一个人生活。

我不想回妈咪的line简讯，因为她总是问我买床的事情，而且床又好贵哦。老爸总是一边说没关系我不用担心钱的问题，可是另一边老妈总是算好我每个月要分期还她多少钱来买那张床。我觉得睡回本来我睡惯的单人床就算了，可是老爸总是说反正都搬家了要睡就睡好一点的，可是我为什么要花四千多块马币的钱来买一张我一年都睡不到几次的床。然后他们总是说先帮我付，然后老妈总是搜集这种旧账来给我压力。

我好烦哦。就连在一个难得的长周末里，我也过得好不开心哦。我不喜欢在房间里闷着，可是出门就代表要花钱所以我都不敢出门。才租了这房间不久，房子的厕所的通水渠就阻塞了，害我必须跑到旨嫣家里洗澡；最近肚子一直不舒服，明明吃过饭了还会搅着隐隐作痛，医生说可能是胃发炎要吃清淡一点的东西，也不要觉得压力太大因为胃炎可能就是压力大造成的；今早突然发现房间的门需要费好大的力气来推，恐怕是有点坏了……在这些烦人的事情发生的同时，老妈就传来说看重漂亮的床架问我喜不喜欢，如果喜欢的话我可以分期一个月150新币还她。4千4！我干嘛要睡一个4千4的床？还有，我为什么不可以睡回单人床然后不受你们这些成年人的压力？我真的好讨厌为了钱的事情烦哦，尤其是被自己的父母烦。刚出来工作不久，就开玩笑般地一直跟我说家用的问题。对啊，听起来是开玩笑啊可是我压力真的会很大啊！我真的很不开心哦，我觉得我很不适合长大哦，因为长大很累也很烦人啊。

自己一个人好累哦。没有人懂好累哦。

I still miss her so much even tho its been so long.

I came across the blog of a friend, whom I haven’t talked to since we graduated from JC (in fact we didn’t even talk much in school cuz we barely know each other). I can’t even remember how we knew each other, and how I came to have her as my facebook friend (not as if I remember how most of my fb friends became my fb friends anyway).

Okay back to the point, yea I came across her blog, and there’s this little link to another blog under the title IN LOVING MEMORY- My Brother. Out of curiosity I clicked on it and I read some of the most recent posts on the blog. Well they’re all written in a way that it’s directed to her brother, as if they’re all letters to him about what’s been going on in her mind, in her life. I didn’t read much about what happened to her brother, because it’s not the time for me to read sad things and be sad.

But yea this whole having-a-blog-dedicated-to-someone-previous-who’d-passed-away thing makes me kinda imagine if one day I were to lose, lets say, boy boy. I don’t think I have been a really good elder sister to him, but he’s definitely one the most precious person to me. I tried to imagine how I will react if he’s gone one day (oh man I felt so bad), and because it started to hurt so I stopped thinking. And yea right after that I started thinking a lot about death, and the most recent memory I have regarding death is waipo’s death.

I guess most of us have gotten over it, more or less, although it still stings once in a while when we talk about her. I remember feeling so upset last year when it was my 21st because I thought of how waipo wanted to attend my NTU graduation ceremony but she didn’t even have the chance to see me turn 21.

I was actually the one who photoshopped the picture of her used for her funeral, and actually I did it before she passed away but was in critical condition so mum told me to ‘prepare earlier’. I zoomed all the way into the picture to make sure every dark spot was removed, little wrinkles that made her look unglamorous were removed. Then I realized I had never looked at her this carefully before. I didn’t realize she had this deep wrinkle at the corner of her right eye, and it was what made her smile so memorably heartwarming.

If I could tell her anything right now, I would tell her that I missed her. Terribly. I would tell her that there are already 2 companies that have accepted me as their intern this coming summer break, I bet she would be very proud of me. I would whine to her how stressed I am now over my shoot which is commencing in a few days’ time, and she would pat my head gently and reassure me that everything will be fine because I’ve always been the smartest out of all her grandchildren. I would bring back all my new nail polishes and do her nails, so that she could show them off to her friends because they’re done by her granddaughter and not any random manicurist.

Oh man this is not the time to be sad but why am I crying.

And maybe I should stop subconsciously blaming the private hospital and their doctors for what happened, and just take it that she had to go somewhere else because her time here was up. Maybe I should stop wondering where she is now, and just assume that she’s in good hands.

I don’t know what else I can do, because I’ll definitely not get used to not having to go ‘waipo’s house’ anymore whenever I’m back home during the holidays, because everytime I remind myself that it’s not ‘waipo’s house’ anymore it just hurts.

xoxo,

qing

外婆。

外婆是我生命中很重要的一部分。

今天我去喝酒，在酒吧听见乐队所唱的‘i will always love you’，哭了。没想到我还是放不下。

放不下外婆的和蔼可亲，外婆的爱，外婆的一切。

我真的很想念外婆，想念得我真的很难过，很难过。

外婆说过要来看我大学毕业，却连我二十一岁都没有办法参与。

外婆我很想你。

我真的，真的，很想你。

只有你在我被其他亲戚人身攻击的时候帮助替我说话；只有你明白我于别的小孩成长的环境不一样。

我很想念你。

我知道您再也不能够回来，但请你给我力量，给我们坚持下去的力量。

我会更珍惜与家人的每一分，每一秒。

我爱您，外婆。希望您已经脱离苦海，成为快乐的神仙

Bye.

I think I’ll be fucking sad when they close up the coverof the coffin later. last night we all sleep around her and there was this weird feeling
, that she’s so near us yet so far away. I don’t know if this is normal but I still can’t really believe that she’s gone. I can still imagine her bringing out the goodies to us during cny when we came to visit, or even playing black jack with us on the long dining table. The feeling I get when looking at her into the coffin is so surreal it feels like she can just open her eyes and wake up anytime. Creepy huh. I start to feel regretful that I could only visit her whenever I came back during school hols for the past 9 years. I could have talked to her more, could have done more manicures on her.

Okay can’t feel sad anymore cuz shell get worried and refuse to leave. Goodbye waipo. Kiss kiss.

聚少離多。

我打開行李收拾這原本應該習以為常了的心情。

畢竟如此離開家裡，來來回回都已經八、九年了，次數都已經數不清了。

會累嗎？當然會。

偶爾提著這種疲憊的心情，我會重新懷疑九年前的這個決定。到現在我還不確定我是否真的後悔，雖然我曾幾度後悔過。

我一直盼望長大，但又不希望成長那天的到來。

每次回到新加坡的那一天晚上，望著不同的床還有被褥，都特別厭倦那種‘昨晚我還睡在那大大的床上’的感覺。

沒想到，明明已經九年了，還是沒有辦法馬上就適應。

沁凝。

如果我像周杰伦那么有才，我也想为外婆写一首歌。

人老了迟早会离开的。日子一天一天的过，慢慢地担心外婆的这种心情也就变成了一种习惯。每个人开始放松了下来，但是照顾外婆还有牵挂的心丝毫没有放松。

昨天晚上去吃晚餐的时候，妈问了一句，［如果外婆走了而且你回去开学了，那么我应该不应该叫你回来。］

天色虽然已黑，但我仍然能从她眼角看见了欲流的泪珠。

［如果没有考试，我一定可以回来。］我故作轻松。

心里想着这个学期不能让自己考试排得满满的。

接着我看着妈欲言又止，猜想着是不是想到了O levels 那年爷爷去世时我因为考试所以没有办法回去见爷爷最后一面还有出席奔丧的事。

［如果外婆有什么事我没有办法跟你们在一起，我一定会后悔。］本想这么说的。

［你们就是想太多。不可能这么快。］我却这样说了。

明明医生都已经警告我们了，我们却选择去乐观的面对。我本身不认为这有什么不对或者不好。

只是现在时常无意中想起外婆，才发现看似那么微不足道的亲情，当你知道你随时都有可能失去的时候，你竟然会那么的惧怕，那么的慌张。

还没到新加坡念书的时候，每个礼拜会探望外婆至少一次。

然后因为到新加坡念书的关系，所以每逢学校假期，还有过年过节才得以回家，然后去探望外婆。

以前舅舅们还没有成家的时候，都是我们这些外孙来陪伴外婆的。陪着陪着慢慢也长大了，后来舅舅们都有了自己的孩子，外婆又开心地找到了新的陪伴。

从来，从来都没有发觉外婆其实不渴望我们的陪伴给她解闷，而是她喜欢亲眼地看见自己的孙子孙女们快快乐乐地长大，偶尔跟她聊聊我们的梦想，我们喜欢的事情。

因为让我们快乐的事，一定也就是可以让这些年老的长辈们快乐的事。

外公在我很小的时候就过世了，所以对外公的印象不是很深刻。可是看着外婆每次如何在我们探访的时候提醒我们给外公上柱香，就可以看出外公从来没有离开过外婆的世界。而外婆的身边，不管有多少吵吵闹闹的我们，都还是会感到寂寞的。

怎么突然害怕外婆会想要去见外公了，然后就会离开我们呢？

我们每个人其实多多少少都做好心理准备的。可是终究还是会害怕。

害怕面对离别，害怕以后从新加坡回来的时候不能习惯性地跟妈妈说很久没有去看外婆了是时候去看看她老人家。

对于离别我承认我是很懦弱的人。

我很，很，很讨厌别人离我而去，虽然我明知道人生中你不可能可以留住每一个人。

只是面对外婆这无法避免但又可能随时随地的离开，跟九月可能去机场送智聪或者智仁去美国台湾交流，甚至是每徽去英国念好几年的书，是完全，完全不同的。

我能预知自己会哭得很惨。比看’拥抱太阳得月亮‘甚至是’一公升眼泪‘哭得更惨。

可是，就像失职失恋一样，都是人生必须经过的事情。

对于外婆的病情，在我们见步行步的同时，我们也应该放宽心情，去陪伴她，照顾她，还有疼爱她吧。也许乐观的脑电波会传进外婆的身体里，把所有癌细胞都杀掉。至不然少，也把疼痛杀掉吧。

咳，写一篇东西都能哭肿了眼睛，真窝囊。

晚安，我爱，以及爱我的所有人。

we will stay strong for wai po.

very tired. im so glad for the ipoh trip although i couldnt fully enjoy myself throughout but looking at how the 55 lvl 4 seniors were able to self entertain wherever they went sort of cheered me up a lil bit. came back taking the very first bus on monday, and went to the hospital. she looked weak, unable to open her eyes fully to look at us. mummy and i massaged her legs and sang her songs while she fell asleep, but our eyes cant seem to move away from the heartbeat machine thing in case anything goes wrong. stayed till midnight, and went back home.

mummy looked terribly exhausted but she was still holding onto her phone very tightly in the car. i dont know why but looking at that made me feel like crying.

for this year’s mother’s day, my only wish is for wai po to recover.

shall rest for awhile, until my “night shift” at the hospital 🙂

xoxo.

回家。

back home in the room with a leaking ceilingT_T||| but im still glad that im home like finally:) surprisingly i didnt get very annoyed in the middle of the night when i realized the ceiling was leaking, i just took a pail from the toilet and put it underneath. the sound of the water dripping onto the plastic surface was kinda annoying and irritating, but i could still sleep soundly after rolling on the bed for awhile. i think because its home.

dad brought me to the new house he bought thats still under constructions. quite nice though although i really prefer the corner house compared to the centre ones but they were all taken and theyre like more expensive. but i really like the balcony because its so much wider compared to the one we have now. dont know if we’re gonna move in once its completed or if dad’s gonna sell it but looking at my mum i think she’ll wanna move in hahahha and it’ll be how awesome to have a party at the third floorO.O because it’s quite big, from how it looks on the outside.

and how i missed the curry kambing at kayu. ate nasi briyani for lunch with the curry and roti bomb and teh tarik:D sometimes i really hope kayu expands to spore because their indian food is like out-of-the-world-ly awesome:D:D:D went back to the subang pasar malam after so so long and even the tang shui uncle was asking my mum if im her daughter because ive not been there for so long. drank 蛋茶 :D:D:D:D:D why they no have dan cha in spore. its this kind of moment when i really wanna just come back to msia and work instead of settling down in spore but ohwells i guess i actually do prefer staying in spore because i have all my friends there although the food here is obviously so much more fantastic. but i can always come back i think so i’d rather earn sing dollars hahha.

and i wonder how im gonna do my course reg when the wireless is down and i have to use this lousy mobile broadband shit. i hope by upgrading it it will get alot alot faster so i can actually still watch shows on youtube and not get annoyed when it loads damn slowly although astro actually has alot of things to watch but who survives without youtube omg.

and im so fascinated by the fact that i can still fit into my primary school camp tshirt which means its either i was damn fat then which is impossible because i rmb being quite skinny hahha or i was blind and chose a damn big size for myself which i think this is more possible:P

i think its quite lame to blog about all these uninteresting mundane nonsense but the underlying thing that i wanna blog about is this feeling of heartwarming happiness and how much ive missed home. i think these 2 plus weeks will pass by really quick and the thought of it actually saddens me so im gonna not think about it and enjoy while i can.

还是家里最好。

xoxo,qing

unfixed.

its really lame.

its really lame that im feeling that im not doing things i like, but i really have no choice but to suck thumb and continue with it. its really lame that i stop confiding in people i used to confide in because im scared that they might think im such a loser and after so long i still cant seem to get over the fact that im doing things thats so different from what i expected myself to do. its like im trying to get things off my chest but its really hard, because its hall and the circle of trust is not really there you see. i dont know if its like because ive been acting like im bubbly and happy or whatsoever so people think im someone who doesnt really have problems or they simply just expect me to be strong. ohwells im not that strong actually.

there’re just little things thats been happening that are bothering me but i cant really find a reason why they are. and things are not going right not because of anyone’s fault or whatsoever but theyre just not going right. if only i have someone to blame for all the things i have to do and the tight schedule i have to follow but no. its because its no one’s fault so there’s this sian feeling. super super sian. im not expecting anyone to understand what exactly kind of feeling im feeling right now. i just wanna type it out and okay go to bed after this.

i guess i really only like sketching and drawing and painting. and doing photoshop and illustrator and all these little art and craft things. and i love cooking. i dont like social networking, i dont like to meet new people and i dont like to try so hard to explain the rationale of my decisions and in the end people misunderstand or misinterpret. i guess after so long whats keeping me on is the sense of responsibility and some rare friends who genuinely support me and care for me. i just dont understand why i keep falling into this pit of endless leadership stuff and it really feels like a jinx or something. or something like fate. or whatever.

and also its like no matter how hard ive tried to convince myself that being in film is like a new experience and i get to know how exactly everything works in the end i’ll just be a really knowledgeable and talented creative director in the advert field. but its so difficult to change your mindset in such a short period of time esp when now it concerns my future. ive been interesting in doing 2D stuff all along and ive always expected myself to do 2D things and now you throw me into motion and sounds. maybe im slow in adapting to new environment but i just want someone to understand that its not really easy to change from something youve always wanted to do and youve always expected yourself to do.

i dont need shots, i just need daddy and mummy here.

homesick seriously makes everything worse omg. why am i not like any other sporeans who get to go home every weekend.

qingning.

孤独不是选择，对他们而言。

他们有属于自己的世界。可能他们都知道的。知道自己会是父母的负担，会是社会的负担。

但他们都是属于这个世界的孩子不是吗。

自闭症又怎么样。

可是我们可以说得很伟大，很谅解，真正去关怀他们的，又有多少人。他们不像贫困国家的孩子，知道有人关心着他们，资助他们；他们的世界，阻挡了外面的世界，那道墙，不是玩几个游戏就能打破的。

在‘海洋天堂’里李连杰说，‘我是他父亲，拉上了，就只能照顾他。’

他也说，‘或许他们这样子反而更好，什么烦恼也没有。’

但我们怎么知道，他们没有烦恼。

 

没什么，只是很想念八年以来没有姐姐陪伴在身边，那自闭症的弟弟。

沁凝。