:/

last night when we were in the cab i told him that he’s been very annoying to me nowadays. he said he’s trying to irritate me as much as possible before he gets kicked out of school.

i don’t want. i don’t want you to get kicked out of school.

i think that was what i told him. after that when we were talking on facebook chat i reminded him that i was being serious about not wanting him to get kicked out, or expelled or whatsoever. so he better stop thinking about anything along that line.

then this morning he linked me some youtube video, and asked if he was to do something like that for fyp would i be interested to join him.

im actually quite happy that hes thinking about fyp. means he wants to continue doing films with us, means he doesnt want to leave school.

means everything will be fine.

i really realized how much i love my classmates, and i would never want anything bad to happen to them.

because theyre good people, and when you see good people get into trouble, you get nothing but heartaches.

拾壹製作2012.

ive always thought that it looks cool and feels good to be the one in front where everyone can see you, and the  one on the stage. you know, like people recognize a particular drama or movie for its casts or director, not the rest of the crews.

but helping out with lights for hall production this year really was an eye opening experience for me. yea ive been in film for the past one year i know people at the backstage and behind the screen always go unappreciated and unrecognized but it never felt so real until i helped out productions this year. i was an actress last year and yea, got abit of the airtime so it felt nice. this year i was in the control room for sounds and lights and all the technical things with low sieuz pat zhikai and guanxin (and the rude refusedtoswitchofffanwhenitwasfuckingcoldalready uncle) throughout the show, and when it finally ended and we all went up the stage for 謝幕，i realized productions really, like really really, would have been nothing without every single one’s effort.

because even managing lights alone was so stressful and tough. because we take cues from all over the place. to piece all these things, lights sounds props make-up, together in sync. needed to be fucking alert, and needed to know how to deal with some impromptu 加戲 and make sure everything goes smoothly like it has been planned this way since forever.

and the awesome thing is, yea people dont really care about these tech/props/makeup side people, and we dont care about whether people care about it or not.

it sounds so 偉大 and 自我犧牲 right.

so glad that i was asked to help out in the control room. i learnt so much more and i also learnt how to let go of the occasional desire of wanting to be recognized and appreciated, and embrace my job so that i wont ever have any regrets.

因為有些事情的重要性，自己明白就好；自己珍惜就好。

 

its not working seriously.

im supposed to enjoy myself at home and eat and sleep and do nothing but i cant:( i think as im stuck here and unable to do anything i get really paranoid like whether the sports schedule is coming out soon or if my blk mags are planning their duties well or if the last first aid kit is found. sometimes as i was lying on my pillow i thought to myself if its impossible to balance between home and hall. the worse thing is i jumped up from my sleep because i realized i’ve booked air ticket back home for cny on the 18th night when blk supper is on the 19th so i went straight to switching on my mac and type a msg on the top 4 fb group asking the rest if its possible to change it to 17th because i really dont wanna miss cny blk supper, as a resident and more importantly as a vice president.

then it occurred to me that cny blk supper is not only about food but i nearly forgot we need to search for mandarin oranges and cny goodies and yusheng and all. which means, planning. which means time, which means uncertainties. luckily for this year blk supper is before cny itself so i guess its easier to get the stuff for cny but at the same time im afraid everything will be more expensive because the demand is high when everyone is preparing for cny instead of after cny the sellers cant wait to get rid of all the lets say oranges so they sell it cheap.

and again the next thing that occurred to me is CAEN meeting, and the next thing is getting the stuff for IH welfare and the next thing is do we have enough 100 plus to last us throughout the whole of IH.

i just keep thinking and thinking about all these and keep waiting and waiting for the sports schedule to come out and keep waiting for IH to start and be over and CNY blk supper to start and be over and so on and so forth.

when mum asked me why do i have to be back before 19th when school starts on the 9th of jan i was like, hall stuff. she gave me the usual you-dont-stay-home-for-long-as-usual face and it sort of saddened me. couldnt really sleep at night because i was thinking as i skip school to be home for a longer period of time for cny, i have indirectly sacrificed my attention for jcrc calendar thus it resulted in this mistake of booking ticket home for 18th jan when blk supper is on the 19th.

i hope things go smooth for IHG and also IH players dinner and also CNY blk supper and CNY dinner and everything until AGM. and its useless to feel this way but i really feel bad about not being physically there for jcrc meeting (although i was on skype) and also IH players dinner and also the Great Eastern talk and ive always wished i could teleport. then i can teleport between home and hall and school easily:D

i hope i dont get depression from thinking too much and being too paranoid.

xoxo,qing

i swear imma choose my elective properly next time so that studying wont be such a chore.

i just realized i have alot alot to study for rise in china although i’ve su-ed it. BUTTTTTTT!\

sometimes i just hate myself for making some decisions such as taking up this nonsensical unrelated elective.

fml arghhhhh.

i wanna do watercolour soon. imma buy sticker paper and make watercolour stickers.

and why isnt my flu going away ahhh youuuu last warning really!

but cant imagine im going home alrrr this saturday omg <3<3<3 the thought of it is already making me happy:D) double chin omg hahhaha.

xoxo,qing

咖啡麻醉不了愚蠢。

我自认不是一个很聪明的人。所以我读了一天加上一个下午的书，都没有办法把重要的东西读进脑子里。是不是因为老了所以脑部吸收能力差了一百倍，还是我一直自认身体里的隐形天才全都是幻想。我觉得是后者。

是因为很容易被周遭的事物弄分心还是怎样，我就是没有办法好好的念书。有是有啦，有花很多时间在念书上，但是做实习考卷的时候就一题一题地答错，搞得我自信心严重受打击，然后潜意识地慢慢地有一种想要放弃的念头。

所以我真怀疑，以前在小学中学初院的时候，我那份一天可以从早上八点半光线速度地念书念到晚上九点的超级专心能力是从哪来的。

我严重认为是因为上了大学以后因为太多课业还有一些有的没的弄得我再也没办法适应考试，那种一次过把整个学期的学问吞进肚子里再吐出来的那种亚洲人式的考试。

我是不是有点疯了。

其实很遗憾地说我现在在念的考卷模式其实是多项选择问答，简称mcq，所以我念得那么辛苦让我觉得自己稍微有一点点的loser。

可是！不管考试模式是写的圈的涂的画的，还是属于念书，还是属于考试你说我说的是不是很有道理。

算了，还是埋头苦读吧。少壮不努力，老大徒伤悲。

我怎么突然那么大彻大悟起来。

应该是严重受到了创伤和打击。

TT_TT

xoxo,沁.

i wanna go amei.

Im stuck between doing assignments and studying for exams. omg stressed stressed stressed. and i really wanna catch 一泡而红 when it comes out but i doubt anyone will wanna catch it with me because it will be like exams period :((((

and i really wanna go and watch amei but its really abit too expensive but i dont wanna regret not going for her concert when she retires like how i regretted when tvxq broke up arghhhhhh.

okay im catching a flu and having cramps and whatever nonsense. goodnight.

unfixed.

its really lame.

its really lame that im feeling that im not doing things i like, but i really have no choice but to suck thumb and continue with it. its really lame that i stop confiding in people i used to confide in because im scared that they might think im such a loser and after so long i still cant seem to get over the fact that im doing things thats so different from what i expected myself to do. its like im trying to get things off my chest but its really hard, because its hall and the circle of trust is not really there you see. i dont know if its like because ive been acting like im bubbly and happy or whatsoever so people think im someone who doesnt really have problems or they simply just expect me to be strong. ohwells im not that strong actually.

there’re just little things thats been happening that are bothering me but i cant really find a reason why they are. and things are not going right not because of anyone’s fault or whatsoever but theyre just not going right. if only i have someone to blame for all the things i have to do and the tight schedule i have to follow but no. its because its no one’s fault so there’s this sian feeling. super super sian. im not expecting anyone to understand what exactly kind of feeling im feeling right now. i just wanna type it out and okay go to bed after this.

i guess i really only like sketching and drawing and painting. and doing photoshop and illustrator and all these little art and craft things. and i love cooking. i dont like social networking, i dont like to meet new people and i dont like to try so hard to explain the rationale of my decisions and in the end people misunderstand or misinterpret. i guess after so long whats keeping me on is the sense of responsibility and some rare friends who genuinely support me and care for me. i just dont understand why i keep falling into this pit of endless leadership stuff and it really feels like a jinx or something. or something like fate. or whatever.

and also its like no matter how hard ive tried to convince myself that being in film is like a new experience and i get to know how exactly everything works in the end i’ll just be a really knowledgeable and talented creative director in the advert field. but its so difficult to change your mindset in such a short period of time esp when now it concerns my future. ive been interesting in doing 2D stuff all along and ive always expected myself to do 2D things and now you throw me into motion and sounds. maybe im slow in adapting to new environment but i just want someone to understand that its not really easy to change from something youve always wanted to do and youve always expected yourself to do.

i dont need shots, i just need daddy and mummy here.

homesick seriously makes everything worse omg. why am i not like any other sporeans who get to go home every weekend.

qingning.

talking to the moon.

no one seems to understand where im coming from.

does that mean i should just shut up and eat my own shit.

then whats the point of trying to be the one who can voice out whatever i think is valid.

ultimately everyone only cares about themselves. who cares bout the person suddenly being dragged down from nowhere.

seniors might think im standing in their way. but fk its about a friend whom i genuinely care for. shouldnt he be given some time to consider. and understand things from different perspectives. instead of just listening to one side of the story and make impulsive decisions. and I WONT EVER SAY THINGS THAT WILL AFFECT HIS FINAL DECISION MAKING. so its not like dissuading or anything. there can be so many things that people might not even consider when they’re making the decision for the first time. im just there to remind.

i knew it when gor sent the msg to feline, all the seniors would have gathered tgt and talked about it. they would have thought i was the main reason for the change in mind. its obviously quite hurtful, because they dont seem to understand where im coming from. and to them its about a portfolio its about hall, but to me, its about 18th comm AS WELL AS my very very very close friend.

cant be bothered anymore. as long as there’re zhicong sieuping zhiren and xiang to understand me. nothing matters anymore.

trusts. expectations. principles.

MOUTHS.

xoxo,qingning

 

能不能。

是我一直再三地问自己的问题。我能不能做好。

虽然很多人会告诉我说我们现在这四个人是他们想象中最好的人选，但我总是认为这其实也只是一种安慰。

因为已经没有后退的路了。

坦白说我很欣慰自己因为jcrc的原因认识了很多人，也让很多人认识我。但我害怕的是，让他们认识的现在的我，到底是不是一直以来那个不知天高地厚喜欢语无伦次很爱搞笑的我，是不是那个偶尔也会有伤心难过的时候的我？

我会不会变得不是我自己了？

会不会伤心的时候不敢哭，

会不会不开心的时候不敢发脾气，

会不会累的时候不敢休息。

我，会不会变得更坚强？会不会不再不敢？

我，

能不能。

xoxo,沁凝

film is hard.

people are fake.

hall is dark.

i am scared.

no you cant.

appear weak.

 

 

 

i miss home.